I’m Struggling

We are on Day 4 of our full week back to work and I’d be lying if I’d say I wasn’t struggling some.  Yesterday I found myself in a funk that’s hard to describe but I can say that it was a mix of anxiety, sadness and a little overwhelming.  Life has changed and when I think about what that means for my daily routine, I really get discouraged. 

I want to be Mom first.  There are no questions about that.  But somewhere in the 12 hour day, I need to be a wife, a project manager, an athlete, a budget manager, a cook and a few more roles.  So here’s how it breaks down:

6:00 A.M. to 8: 00 A.M. – Mom (no question here), getting ready for work takes a very small portion of time but it’s mostly baby.

8:00 – 5:30 – Project Manager.  I’m at work and nothing else can be done during this time frame.  I have a pretty demanding job that requires as much concentration as I can muster.

5:30 – Till Bedtime – This is where it all breaks down. 

Before Baby, I would come home, S and I would go to the gym around 6:00, stay till 7:00ish.  Make dinner and eat around 8:00, clean up and relax. 

Post Baby, when I get home, I need to spend a good half our just loving on Baby E.  I’ve been away from him for almost 10 hours and I miss him terribly.  So then when it comes time to go to the gym, S and I are trading off rather than taking him to the nursery at the gym just for a few more weeks to get through some of the high flu season but when it comes time for me to go, I’m torn.  I have a hard time leaving Baby E.  I feel guilty that I’m spending yet another hour away from him a day.  I’m frustrated that either way, I’m compromising something, either my goal to stay fit or time with my family.  I’m anxious that Baby E’s going to get overly fussy and it will be hard for S to deal with.  And overwhelmed that this won’t all just fit the way I want it to.  Don’t even think about giving proper attention to my husband and dog and getting a healthy dinner on the table.  S is very good at helping when and where possible and some of this might result in me determining that I have to give up more control but that’s hard too. 

I know, I know, it’s an adjustment.  I get that but this week is a gut check that I wasn’t prepared for.  My goals to compete like I did prior are starting to feel like a lost cause.  At some point I’m going to have to recommit to myself and my goals and work it out so that I feel fulfilled in every aspect of my life but right now I just don’t.  I’m just circling, looking at everything and everyone and not feeling at ease with any of it.  Feeling like I’m letting everyone down, including myself.  I have faith it will get better.  It’s just tough right now.