This is a heavier post so I’ll warn you in advance.
I have a problem and I don’t know how to fix it or even if I should. Ever since my dad passed, I notice I get anxious in public settings where there are people I know. I dodge any semblance of an intimate conversation. I am afraid that anything deeper than Hi, how are you will set me into a tailspin. Just hearing someone give condolences instantly brings tears and they see that I’m not strong.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to make people listen to stories they may not care to hear. I don’t want to start a conversation only to find that we’re trailing into a topic that will leave me emotional in public. There are only a few topics that I don’t quickly tie to my dad. So much of who I am is a result of him. So that means my list of conversation topics are limited.
I can’t tell you when the last time I had real conversation with a close friend was. I use E as a exit strategy. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just don’t know what to say or that every conversation leads to tears. I don’t want to tell you more than you want to hear. I don’t want to bore you.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons I love blogging. You can chose what you want to read and what you don’t. For me, knowing you have that decision making power takes a little pressure off. I’ll tell you exactly what I’m thinking. It’s your decision if you listen.
Family and friends, I’m sorry that I seem a little shifty. I’ll figure it out…I promise. Just might take me a little more time.
Have you ever lost someone and had these types of reactions? Any advice?
I know several people who are going through something very similar due to some sort of traumatic event in their life. It is my opinion that you shouldn’t be scared to hold back emotion and tears. It has nothing to do with your strength. You HAVE to cope, you HAVE to heal, and if you are being brought to tears so easily, then you HAVE to get them out. I know crying in front of people sucks, but until you can essentially “cry it out” you will continue to hold onto that anxiety and fear that the conversation will make you cry. Everyone who has lost a loved one understands. You will find that some will cry with you, and others will quickly change the topic to avoid you getting more upset, but No one, who is any type of friend or family member will take that as a sign of weakness. Holding in the emotions is the worst thing you can do. Face the emotions head on, get them out, and the next time it will be a little easier…. This is just my opinion and what works for some won’t work for anyone, but I know you are a strong person and healing takes time. You’ll conquer it just as do you do everything else. Many prayers and best wishes.
Amber (Rady) George