Before I started the MBA program, I was talking with a friend that had been through it and she said..
“Be ready. You’ll find that you give something up while you’re in the program.”
She was explaining that the program can be so much of a time commitment that sometimes things just fall off.
I scoffed at the thought. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. I could keep it all going. I saw it as a challenge. I put myself into business mode and jumped into the program with everything I had. I was determined to do that, and maintain a family and keep working out, etc…the list goes on.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job too. I think from an outside perspective, you might say that too.
But now that it’s over and I’m in a self-proclaimed runner’s funk, I have been forced to ask myself why this funk won’t clear? It’s the longest, by far, that I’ve just not felt like running anything over three miles and I don’t know why. I told myself it would pass but it hasn’t.
As I was rocking MiniE tonight, the question crept back in…what is going? Why can’t I get claw and scrape my way out of this like I do always do? Then it hit me that the runner’s funk isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of the problem.
It took me all of two seconds and the first couple of tears to realize what was going on. Remember what my friend said about giving something up?
Well, I’m afraid part of what I gave up is emotion. I was afraid the ability to feel anything substantial would slow me down.
You know that feeling when life is just so crazy that you feel like you’re in survival mode? You only focus on what’s important, nothing more. Then when it’s over, you are mentally exhausted.
I think I’ve been in survival mode for 2 years and now that things have slowed down a bit, I’m not sure how to adjust.
A lot has happened in two years, both good and terrible and I’ve dealt with it all superficially. Part of why I think I’m not wanting to run is because I’m afraid of what might happen during.
It would be the first real prolonged alone time I’ve had since the program ended. I would be forced to focus inward. At that point, all those emotions that I know are there (because they are coming out as I write this) will surface and I’ll have to deal with them.
In survival mode, I can be a machine. I can take care of business without taking care of me. But now it’s time..it’s time to open the flood gates and calm the waters.
I know this peaceful place exists but for me, it’s going to be very tough to find. This is the part I’m not good at. It’s time. It might hurt a little now but I know it’s necessary. If i don’t the other roles I play will suffer..wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc.
I think I have to find that peaceful place before I am going to make any progress on any goals, be it running or something else.
Does any of this make sense? Am I rambling? Can you relate?
You are rambling a little bit, but I think I understand. It has been a long hard row, and your friend was right. Something had to give. Now that you can start lifting your head, plus realizing what is going on, should help you get back on track. I feel like I was rambling a little too, but I really just hope that you get to feeling good about running again and I think you’re heading the right way.
ha! You’re so right. Thanks Debbie!
totally makes sense! i literally just wrote today, “itz not forever, itz just right now.” keep that in mind, stay strong, and you’ll find peace within yourself in no time at all 🙂 xo
I love that! Thanks Linz!
It sounds like you are realizing that you need to let these emotions bubble up. Maybe running is a safe place to let that happen.
I do. You’re right but it’s hard and I don’t wanna but I will because I need to.
I enjoy solo runs for this reason – for me I get caught up in keeping up with others and when I take time to run solo I get back to my roots ;)We ebb and flow!
You’re so right. Solo runs are so much about reconnecting and sometimes that includes some not fun emotions.
That makes complete sense! It’s so easy to push aside our own emotions and forget to care for ourselves (especially as women and moms). I’m so glad you had this realization- journal it out, let some tears flow, you’ll work it out! xoxo
Thanks Laura!
Makes a lot of sense. When I get so insanely busy I actually get very withdrawn from everything. I pull the emotion out of it because I don’t have the time for it. Running is emotional for me, I love it and it defines who I am, but it is emotional. So Sometimes when I am in said “survival mode” running funks happen. Totally get where you are at.
Keep your chin up, you have a lot going on and you WILL get through it!
I’m glad I’m not the only one that does this. Thanks Laura!
It totally makes sense and I can identify completely. I think that I came to a similar realization while on vacation. When I’m super busy, I’m in survival mode too and can plow through things because we just need to keep moving forward. Without that long to-do list and other things, I felt myself stagnating and I was in a funk for a while. While I don’t want to go at 100 mph all the time, I also know that there needs to be a balance. We’ll get to our peaceful place I’m sure. I think that it might take some time and that it can’t be rushed but we’ll get there.
It totally makes sense! Running brings out so many emotions – emotions that you don’t want to touch just yet. It’s temporary. When you are ready, you’ll be back and funk free!
That definitely makes sense. It’s so much easier to just push the feelings down, keep busy, and move forward. But that quiet space, when it’s just you and your mind starts to really think, well running is the perfect opportunity for that. Especially after more than just a few miles. I hope you can find some peace of mind soon.
I’m right there with you. I haven’t gotten past 6 miles yet and I don’t think I’m ready to. I’m finally getting in a more stable place, emotionally – but it’s really required me to slow down, give up stuff that I love, and more sleep. You will find that peace soon – whether it’s from a breakthrough or finally letting yourself go on a run. You will get there!