Before I started the MBA program, I was talking with a friend that had been through it and she said..
“Be ready. You’ll find that you give something up while you’re in the program.”
She was explaining that the program can be so much of a time commitment that sometimes things just fall off.
I scoffed at the thought. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. I could keep it all going. I saw it as a challenge. I put myself into business mode and jumped into the program with everything I had. I was determined to do that, and maintain a family and keep working out, etc…the list goes on.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job too. I think from an outside perspective, you might say that too.
But now that it’s over and I’m in a self-proclaimed runner’s funk, I have been forced to ask myself why this funk won’t clear? It’s the longest, by far, that I’ve just not felt like running anything over three miles and I don’t know why. I told myself it would pass but it hasn’t.
As I was rocking MiniE tonight, the question crept back in…what is going? Why can’t I get claw and scrape my way out of this like I do always do? Then it hit me that the runner’s funk isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of the problem.
It took me all of two seconds and the first couple of tears to realize what was going on. Remember what my friend said about giving something up?
Well, I’m afraid part of what I gave up is emotion. I was afraid the ability to feel anything substantial would slow me down.
You know that feeling when life is just so crazy that you feel like you’re in survival mode? You only focus on what’s important, nothing more. Then when it’s over, you are mentally exhausted.
I think I’ve been in survival mode for 2 years and now that things have slowed down a bit, I’m not sure how to adjust.
A lot has happened in two years, both good and terrible and I’ve dealt with it all superficially. Part of why I think I’m not wanting to run is because I’m afraid of what might happen during.
It would be the first real prolonged alone time I’ve had since the program ended. I would be forced to focus inward. At that point, all those emotions that I know are there (because they are coming out as I write this) will surface and I’ll have to deal with them.
In survival mode, I can be a machine. I can take care of business without taking care of me. But now it’s time..it’s time to open the flood gates and calm the waters.
I know this peaceful place exists but for me, it’s going to be very tough to find. This is the part I’m not good at. It’s time. It might hurt a little now but I know it’s necessary. If i don’t the other roles I play will suffer..wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc.
I think I have to find that peaceful place before I am going to make any progress on any goals, be it running or something else.
Does any of this make sense? Am I rambling? Can you relate?