Leave it to a run to give me the time I need (whether I know it or not) to think about things going on in my life. In fact, I came to the realization that I might be avoiding running so I DON’T have to think. Is that weird?
Well, I sucked it up and faced the music and the treadmill tonight and am SO glad I did. I made the decision when I was at work this afternoon that I was going to the gym. I told Scott and that was that.
He stayed home with the kids and I took off. My plan was 3 miles on the treadmill and lots of stretching and core work. A few minutes into my run, I gave into the nagging feeling that I needed to work through some things and just got into it.
What I needed to work through is the relationship that the choices I’ve made lately to not get back into my routine have had on my non-athletic life.
NOT running has led me to be less of the mom I should be.
Not running has led me to be more of a hovering mom and has almost created a co-dependency on my kids.
Your lost right? Well, I kind of was too so I kept running.
I’ve talked about it before but I have a VERY strong need to have an identity that is separate and distinct from mom and that identity is based on my athletic endeavors and career.
Since my surgery, I’ve resisted the return to routine. At the time it felt like just a lack of passion but more and more I’m thinking it’s all stemming from mom guilt.
My kids didn’t handle seeing me recover from surgery well. They got very clingy and sensitive to any time I would spend away from them. That coupled with some known upcoming work travel has all led to more mom guilt. I realized during the run that the guilt has been a primary driver to why I haven’t been running as much as my heart wants me to. When faced with the conflict of spending more time with my kids (even if it isn’t quality time) or running, I chose the first.
That in turn led me to where I was before today’s run…feeling like I was missing something. When I thought just being with my kids would fill the gap, I realized it wasn’t enough.
Running tonight empowered me to take back some time in my day for me. It reminded me that I, the mom, am only as good as I let myself be. And being that good mom will always include running.
WOW…that was deep. All because of running.
Life is different and the struggles are real. Twenty four hours in a day seem to fly by faster than ever and finding time for myself even 30 minutes, is proving to be a challenge each and everyday.
BUT…I’m committed. I’m committed to me. I’m committed to them and I’m committed to making it work (even if it’s not always perfect).
So I’m asking you...what are you committed to?