Every now and then I fall off the rails and let the emotion of parenting get to me and I write stuff like this and think about putting it away never to be read but then I remember that I’ve been sharing all these moments with (like this one and this one) you and I want to stay true to you..so grab a tissue and keep reading.
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There are moments when I’m tucking you in only to realize that all too soon you’ll be too old to want to be tucked in. I feel it in the moments when I’m kissing your second grade head and wondering where the time has gone.
We hear all the cliches about time moving too fast and most of the time we just sigh and laugh it off but it’s moments like this when I see the future fading into the past and all to quickly the sweet memories go with it.
You’re seven almost eight and you still want me to tuck you in and I love it but it’s in these moments when all of a sudden those cliches about it not lasting forever feels so much closer. That sooner than later you will yell “ good night Mom” and head upstairs without so much as a hug.
As your mom, I’m not sure I’m ready for that. This is such a strange phase of life. A phase when I can tell I’m supposed to be hopeful and excited about the future (and I am). It’s the time when I’m supposed to be letting you grow up and start letting pull away. I think what makes this so tough is that this phase is following the years when we were basically in survival mode and you depended on Dad and I for everything. The years when we were just trying to figure it out. Those were tough years but so fulfilling.
I can see now that time is going to just move faster and faster. The pulling away has only begun and yet I feel it so strongly. The day you don’t ask me to “cuddle you later” will be crushing but I know they’re coming.
This is me being real. Raw and unsure with how to deal with the reality of watching your baby grow up.
I remember when my son turned nine years old and I suddenly realized I might’ve had him for half the time I would have him. It made me sick to my stomach.! But when the time came for him to go away to college I had spent so much time helping him write college essays and fill out college applications that when the replies came back I found I was very excited and happy for him. Just as a friend told me, God had me ready when I needed to be. That was certainly a blessing!